A while back I came across Andrew Bohrer's “10 Rules of Drinking Like a Man” on his blog Cask Strength. Its depth and profundity inspired me to break it down for the ladies.
1. Drink Like a Woman, Not Like a Man
There is nothing more unattractive than a woman taking shot after shot or slamming beer after beer in an attempt to keep up with men. Totally ew. Sure it's fun to shotgun a beer at a BBQ once in a while, but the Quadruple-Anonymous-Grain-Alcohol-Splash-Monster-Energy-Drink-In-A-Plastic-Cup-Straight-To-The-Face mentality should have died when you completed your undergrad. Health risks aside, binge drinking will age you fast and give you “Man Face.”
We're also dealing with contrasting standards; a drunk man is to be expected, but an annihilated woman smashing into furniture with her tittonies hanging out is just ugly. You're embarrassing yourself, your friends, your sex, and you'll probably go home with some guy you think looks like Mickey Rourke from 1985, then wake up to “The Wrestler” making you breakfast.
2. Dress Accordingly
There is an establishment, a drink and an outfit for every occasion. The only excuses you have to wear cut off's that are so short it looks like you’re a** is eating your underwear is:
1. You just completed your shift and your pimp is taking you out for a drink.
2. You're in a girl pack on the prowl for some chub in da club.
3. You're getting silly at a Bachelorette Party.
The rest of the time, put your vagina away and have some decency. If you're going to a nice bar that serves nice drinks, don't walk in wearing a tube top you bought at Forever 21 thinking it was a skirt, and if there is a dress code, don't show up at the door looking like you just rolled out of bed and threw on your “Juicy” sweat pants, assuming that because you have breasts the door guy is going to let you in. Just don't.
Don't just tip the male bartender you are trying to take down after his shift is over. He probably has a girlfriend and is doing his job by being nice to you. Tip well for good service. If you don't have enough money to tip, go to the liquor store and drink at home in those “Juicy” sweat pants.
Cat fights are lame. If you find yourself in an altercation with another woman in a bar, take it outside and settle it like a lady. If the other bar patrons wanted to watch an episode of The Bad Girls Club, they could turn on their TV's at home. The epitome of female stupidity lies between two woman rolling around on a beer and booze soaked floor, pulling hair and scratching faces until two dudes have to come over, laughing hysterically, and break it up.
If you're in a bar that's playing your jam, don't get sloppy and start dancing like you're Christina Aguilera in the “Dirty” video. If others wanted to see a sweaty hot mess attempting to execute dated hip hop moves while making super awkward “sexy” faces, they would have gone to a strip club and seen a better show. Also please maintain spatial awareness and refrain from colliding into other guests. And most importantly, put your drink down before commencing to dance, preferably not in the ladies bathroom you were just occupying. Tacky.
6. Picking up Men
Again, we are dealing with a double standard here. Men get away with being very forward when approaching a woman in a bar, but an aggressive woman borders on “Ho.” Watch your level of intoxication, a man will assume you just want to get it in if you're slurring and hanging all over him. If this is your intention, then my bad, continue.
Don't assume that by drinking Champagne you are distinguishing yourself as “Classy,” especially if you're in a dive bar that happens to serve a “Sparkling White Wine.” You look ridiculous and you're on a steady climb to a wicked hangover.
What you drink says a lot to a man. A Vodka Soda is not a conversation starter. Learn about other spirits and try them sometimes. Having a woman describe the Bourbon she is sipping on when asked “What are you drinking?” can be a “SCHWING!” moment for a lot of guys.
Don't be that deadbeat that leaves her house with only an I.D. and enough money to cab it home. Standing alone at the bar absentmindedly swaying back and forth until a guy offers to buy you a drink is not ladylike. And just because you happen to exchange words with a man doesn't mean he is obligated to spend money on you, especially if you were the one who initiated the conversation by saying, “Oh what are you drinking?” “Uhh... a Beer” “Yum I'd like one too!”
Break up the chicken head gaggle. Woman that travel in packs and follow each other everywhere become unapproachable for guys to talk to. It's daunting enough to approach a woman, but to have four other faces staring at you like you already did something wrong borders on cock block.
7. Subbing Vodka
Contrary to the contemporary beliefs of the “Mixologist” set, it's ok to drink vodka, (Just remember there is a whole new world of others spirits and flavors available for you to try). However, if you notice an enticing drink on a menu, don't ask the bartender to substitute the base liquor for vodka. Most of the time the bartender will say "no," no matter how much you stomp your feet and whine "Buh I dun get why nah!?" Most menu's have thought behind them and the drinks are made a specific way for a reason. A good bartender in a decent bar will offer you a different beverage made with vodka and it will probably be delicious. Keep your mind open, there's no need to freak out and cling to the security blanket that is your Vodka Soda, you can make that at home in your "Juicy" sweat pants.
8. Trust and Do Right by Your Bartender
Coming hot off the heels of #7, trust that your bartender has your best interest in mind and will do what they can to please you, as long as you don't act like a self-entitled b*tch.
If the bar doesn't stock Malibu or Stoli Blueberi, don't panic! Tell the bartender what you like or are craving and they will do they're best to make you happy.
Don't be mean to female cocktail servers or bartenders if they happen to be pretty. They don't have the interest, time or energy to engage in any form of caddy female bullsh*t game playing with you. If you are insecure to the point where placing an order with an attractive female sends you into Alpha B*tch mode, have someone else order for you.
In a high volume establishment where you are required to wait patiently for a drink, have your order and payment ready when the bartender reaches you. Don't just stand there with three of your other girlfriends and wait until the last moment to find out what they want to drink. The bartender is busy and is trying to serve everyone in a timely fashion. Taking five minutes for each one of your girls to eventually settle on a Vodka Red Bull is a waste of everyone's time.
Put your phone away. You've made a conscious decision to put yourself in a social environment. Constant cellular activity isolates you from others and makes you look bored and/or insecure.
10. Proper Bar Conversation
Keep religion and politics to a minimum if talked about at all, especially if you're speaking with a stranger.
Listen as much as you talk.
Don't fish for compliments or look to men to vindicate self-loathing or make you feel better about yourself. Men have absolutely no interest in listening to you divulge information about the state of your physical appearance. Women obsess over being thin to impress other woman more than to attract men. If I'm not mistaken (and Gentleman, please correct me if I am) most heterosexual men are attracted to a woman who enjoys a good time, eats and doesn't rattle on and on about how fat she thinks she is.
“I wish I could drink like a lady. I can take one or two at the most. Three I'm under the table, four I'm under the host.” - Dorothy Parker
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