Dear Santa

by The Bon Vivants

Dear Santa,

We hope this letter finds you fat, happy and in good drinking spirits.  Please send our warmest regards to Mrs. Claus.  We hope that you haven't lost any flying reindeer to marauding or starved polar bears that have had their natural habitats melt as a result of global warming.  We ask that global warmers get solar panels for Christmas this year, or that maybe you can see that they spend this coming summer sunburned every day.  Are the elves behaving themselves?  We hope they didn't pull any “Occupy the North Pole” shenanigans - you are the boss, but you are not the 1%, dammit, and it’s better that way as far as we're concerned.  Alright, it's been quite a year.  Let's get down to the nitty gritty, our list of Christmas wishes.  We would like to say on our own behalf, we have behaved better than years past, we have done charitable acts, made heaps of new friends, helped to provide liquid happiness, helped people speak and act freely, and a few times, via the libations, we helped a few love connections happen.  We bought a lot of old stuff, saving it from becoming trash, turning it into treasure.  We have been kind to senior citizens, dogs and Republicans.  So here's what we want…

  1. Transparency.  So Santa, we have a problem with this whole "transparency" thing.  It seems to us that if you act nice, and you are a professional, and have proven yourself in your field, i.e. the booze game, you may be privy to THE TRUTH.  Sadly Santa, this is not the case.  Mendacity Santa, lies, lies and more lies... pawned off as a historical family legacy or a statement of purity that some jive talking head chemist has been paid to make.  Or, maybe its photos and video of a distillery that is nothing more than window dressing because the real distillery looks more like a refinery for crude oil than something that makes an artisanal pot distilled spirit.  The “secrets” of producers, and then the web of lies that they then spin for their marketing companies (or the other way around), has gotten out of hand.  What's amazing Santa, is they have made it seem uncool to question their practices, akin to the jocks singling out the nerd for breaking the curve in science class.  If you can swing it Santa we'd love to be given respect of the truth.
  2. More fun stuff to mix with.  Those guys at Tempus Fugit Spirits are kicking a** with their old world, antique style liqueurs.  We want more vermouth, bitter aperitifs, even more bitter digestifs, a moonshine made deep in the Congo from coffee beans shat out by an albino silverback gorilla and cut to proof with Nile River crocodile tears.  More is more, and we want it.  These products that add depth and dimension to our potables are not only necessary to expand what we do, they are also our baseball cards, newest comic book, or our vinyl European release of Hall&Oates backed up by the one and only Michael McDonald.  Santa, we'll take the good with the bad.  We just love that people are trying to either make their own, or to import something that a corporate committee wouldn't even consider - "that bitter French merde would never sell as well as our fluffernutter vodka!?" (Which is true, but whatever).
  3. More delicious, and less precious.  We know Santa, that we toss this around as our little catch phrase, but it works well for us.  Puffery and stuffery is an unfortunate side effect of mixocological inspirations.  A great drink is enhanced by a great time.  You know Santa, those times when you and Mrs. Claus walk into a joint and she immediately starts to shake her a**, and you get a perfect Sazerac, and the bartender even tells you a joke... can you give us more of that?
  4. We want to see the stuff being made.  We've been lucky enough to be blessed with a couple of trips to Arandas in Jalisco, Mexico.  This past one, we went to the distillery where Ocho is made, and we went to a new distillery where magic may take place.  Being there on the ground and seeing the process, smelling and tasting the earth and the air definitely made Tequila make sense.  Could you hook us with Kentucky, the Hebrides and the Highlands, a little flor in Espana, and maybe some old as dirt stone farmhouses in Armangac?  We know it's a big one to ask for, but what the hell, you fly the world round in a sleigh with flying reindeer.
  5. More awesome hotel bars.  We love the hotel bar with the heavy hitting lead bartender who holds it down full of all the history, stories, and allure of what it means to sit at that particular hotel bar.  People traveling bring this sense of paperback fiction excitement to the room.  They can be anyone they want while they sit there.  The bar is usually elegant and well stocked, the drinks classic and delicious.  Hotel bars are an amazing time.  The people watching alone makes the experience... and then you get to play the “what's their story game” with a Negroni in front of you while you adjust your scarf and push your Ray Bans back up your nose and light your Gauloises.
  6. Tanqueray Malacca Gin.  We don't care that the word Malacca means "wanker" in Greek.  They can have all the Black Label on the rocks they want, we want Malacca please.
  7. Blenders.  We've been trying to bring them back for a while, can you help us out?  This year, while you're busting you’re a** taking toys to the kids planet wide, can you drop off a few hundred Vita Mix blenders to all the top bars along with some of yours and the plump little lady's favorite recipes?  Thanks.
  8. Dreams Come True.  Finally Santa, we ask for all those things that keep us up at night with excitement and trepidation.  You give us the little gifts that help make these things happen.

We promise to substitute your traditional cookies and milk for some amaro cookies and milk punch.

As Cricket would say, “You're doing a good job... we're proud of you!”

Happy Holidays,

The Bon Vivants

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