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The 10 Rules of Drinking Like a Woman

by Lindsay Nader

A while back I came across Andrew Bohrer's “10 Rules of Drinking Like a Man” on his blog Cask Strength. Its depth and profundity inspired me to break it down for the ladies.

1. Drink Like a Woman, Not Like a Man

There is nothing more unattractive than a woman taking shot after shot or slamming beer after beer in an attempt to keep up with men. Totally ew. Sure it's fun to shotgun a beer at a BBQ once in a while, but the Quadruple-Anonymous-Grain-Alcohol-Splash-Monster-Energy-Drink-In-A-Plastic-Cup-Straight-To-The-Face mentality should have died when you completed your undergrad. Health risks aside, binge drinking will age you fast and give you “Man Face.”
We're also dealing with contrasting standards; a drunk man is to be expected, but an annihilated woman smashing into furniture with her tittonies hanging out is just ugly. You're embarrassing yourself, your friends, your sex, and you'll probably go home with some guy you think looks like Mickey Rourke from 1985, then wake up to “The Wrestler” making you breakfast.

2.  Dress Accordingly

There is an establishment, a drink and an outfit for every occasion. The only excuses you have to wear cut off's that are so short it looks like you’re a** is eating your underwear is:
1. You just completed your shift and your pimp is taking you out for a drink.
2. You're in a girl pack on the prowl for some chub in da club.
3. You're getting silly at a Bachelorette Party.
The rest of the time, put your vagina away and have some decency. If you're going to a nice bar that serves nice drinks, don't walk in wearing a tube top you bought at Forever 21 thinking it was a skirt, and if there is a dress code, don't show up at the door looking like you just rolled out of bed and threw on your “Juicy” sweat pants, assuming that because you have breasts the door guy is going to let you in. Just don't.

3.   Tipping

Don't just tip the male bartender you are trying to take down after his shift is over. He probably has a girlfriend and is doing his job by being nice to you. Tip well for good service. If you don't have enough money to tip, go to the liquor store and drink at home in those “Juicy” sweat pants.

4. Fighting

Cat fights are lame. If you find yourself in an altercation with another woman in a bar, take it outside and settle it like a lady. If the other bar patrons wanted to watch an episode of The Bad Girls Club, they could turn on their TV's at home. The epitome of female stupidity lies between two woman rolling around on a beer and booze soaked floor, pulling hair and scratching faces until two dudes have to come over, laughing hysterically, and break it up. 

5. Dancing

If you're in a bar that's playing your jam, don't get sloppy and start dancing like you're Christina Aguilera in the “Dirty” video. If others wanted to see a sweaty hot mess attempting to execute dated hip hop moves while making super awkward “sexy” faces, they would have gone to a strip club and seen a better show. Also please maintain spatial awareness and refrain from colliding into other guests. And most importantly, put your drink down before commencing to dance, preferably not in the ladies bathroom you were just occupying. Tacky.

6. Picking up Men

Again, we are dealing with a double standard here. Men get away with being very forward when approaching a woman in a bar, but an aggressive woman borders on “Ho.” Watch your level of intoxication, a man will assume you just want to get it in if you're slurring and hanging all over him. If this is your intention, then my bad, continue.

Don't assume that by drinking Champagne you are distinguishing yourself as “Classy,” especially if you're in a dive bar that happens to serve a “Sparkling White Wine.” You look ridiculous and you're on a steady climb to a wicked hangover.

What you drink says a lot to a man. A Vodka Soda is not a conversation starter. Learn about other spirits and try them sometimes. Having a woman describe the Bourbon she is sipping on when asked “What are you drinking?” can be a “SCHWING!” moment for a lot of guys.

Don't be that deadbeat that leaves her house with only an I.D. and enough money to cab it home. Standing alone at the bar absentmindedly swaying back and forth until a guy offers to buy you a drink is not ladylike. And just because you happen to exchange words with a man doesn't mean he is obligated to spend money on you, especially if you were the one who initiated the conversation by saying, “Oh what are you drinking?” “Uhh... a Beer” “Yum I'd like one too!”

Break up the chicken head gaggle. Woman that travel in packs and follow each other everywhere become unapproachable for guys to talk to. It's daunting enough to approach a woman, but to have four other faces staring at you like you already did something wrong borders on cock block.

7. Subbing Vodka

Contrary to the contemporary beliefs of the “Mixologist” set, it's ok to drink vodka, (Just remember there is a whole new world of others spirits and flavors available for you to try). However, if you notice an enticing drink on a menu, don't ask the bartender to substitute the base liquor for vodka. Most of the time the bartender will say "no," no matter how much you stomp your feet and whine "Buh I dun get why nah!?" Most menu's have thought behind them and the drinks are made a specific way for a reason. A good bartender in a decent bar will offer you a different beverage made with vodka and it will probably be delicious.  Keep your mind open, there's no need to freak out and cling to the security blanket that is your Vodka Soda, you can make that at home in your "Juicy" sweat pants.

8. Trust and Do Right by Your Bartender

Coming hot off the heels of #7, trust that your bartender has your best interest in mind and will do what they can to please you, as long as you don't act like a self-entitled b*tch.

If the bar doesn't stock Malibu or Stoli Blueberi, don't panic! Tell the bartender what you like or are craving and they will do they're best to make you happy.

Don't be mean to female cocktail servers or bartenders if they happen to be pretty. They don't have the interest, time or energy to engage in any form of caddy female bullsh*t game playing with you. If you are insecure to the point where placing an order with an attractive female sends you into Alpha B*tch mode, have someone else order for you.

In a high volume establishment where you are required to wait patiently for a drink, have your order and payment ready when the bartender reaches you. Don't just stand there with three of your other girlfriends and wait until the last moment to find out what they want to drink. The bartender is busy and is trying to serve everyone in a timely fashion. Taking five minutes for each one of your girls to eventually settle on a Vodka Red Bull is a waste of everyone's time.

9. Texting

Put your phone away. You've made a conscious decision to put yourself in a social environment. Constant cellular activity isolates you from others and makes you look bored and/or insecure.

10. Proper Bar Conversation

Keep religion and politics to a minimum if talked about at all, especially if you're speaking with a stranger.

Listen as much as you talk.

Don't fish for compliments or look to men to vindicate self-loathing or make you feel better about yourself. Men have absolutely no interest in listening to you divulge information about the state of your physical appearance. Women obsess over being thin to impress other woman more than to attract men. If I'm not mistaken (and Gentleman, please correct me if I am) most heterosexual men are attracted to a woman who enjoys a good time, eats and doesn't rattle on and on about how fat she thinks she is.

“I wish I could drink like a lady. I can take one or two at the most. Three I'm under the table, four I'm under the host.”    - Dorothy Parker

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Comments (15)

posted Over 2 weeks ago Matt Wallace
I agree with Scott. If you're going to comment on ANYTHING regarding our profession, be proud of it. Stand behind what you an adult. I may not agree 100% with what's being said in this article, but at least I can own up to my own opinion (and I've seen enough of this to see the validity in Lindsay's article).
How about we talk TO each other instead of AT each other. After all, aren't we at least sort of on the same team?
posted Over 2 weeks ago Scott Baird
Every other comment below is null and void as far as I'm concerned as they were all made by anonymous cowards who think that their opinions are valid as they take pot shots from out in the ether. Spineless punks. Lindsay, thank you for putting yourself out there and taking the time to write something as well thank you for some honesty and sense of humor. The town you work in is notorious for the classiness of it's clientele... Cheers
posted Over 2 weeks ago Anonymous
Well this is pretty embarrassing.
posted Over 2 weeks ago Anonymous
meh. not a fan. "Learn about other spirits and try them sometime." especially in the Picking Up Men section....really? Really? and the rest of it is speaking to a rather low denominator of women. not particularly 'deep' or 'profound'.
posted Over 2 weeks ago Anonymous
Funny - while I was reading this I thought "this person sounds like a bitchy bartender" and then I read the comment below and realize you are one. It sounds like you've watched one too many episodes of Jersey Shore and decided to stereotype all women who don't serve liquor.
posted Over 2 weeks ago Anonymous
Way to go perpetuating stereotypes!
posted Over 2 weeks ago Anonymous
Great article, but think it's supposed to be "catty", not "caddy" ;)
posted Over 2 weeks ago Anonymous
Seriously fantastic article. Sharing it with everyone I know. As a recent USC grad, I've seen this behaviour bleed from college into the real world, and it's just really sad to witness.
posted Over 2 weeks ago Anonymous
So funny! And true.
posted Over 2 weeks ago Anonymous
While I don't agree with the comment below and think the article was AWESOME especially coming from the eyes of a bartender, good to see people speaking their mind. Perhaps next time you don't have to hide behind the "Anonymous" though. Show yourself!
-Jeff H, Philadelphia
posted Over 2 weeks ago Anonymous
bitter bartender? i dunno about that. maybe you are the one that is bitter... leaving anonymous negative comments.
posted Over 2 weeks ago Anonymous
I have worked in the bar industry for a very long time just read this article and have even seen you at bar competitions. You sound like the B- here, these are not "Drinking Rules" for a woman you did not even write them like a woman. You sound like a bitter bartender in the majority of the article. I was looking forward to reading it when I saw it was your piece, because I appreciate your work as a Mixologist but it reads as if you complied years of service industry frustration in to one article. I think you can do better!
posted Over 2 weeks ago Anonymous
So do I!
posted Over 2 weeks ago Anonymous
Great article! I hope the masses take your advice!
posted Over 2 weeks ago John Warner
Great article! Funny read.
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